Thursday, August 16, 2012

A Modest Proposal 2012 (With Apologies to Jonathan Swift for My Thievery)

Author's Note: (If you have not read A Modest Proposal by Jonathan Swift, you might want to before you read this blog.)

After much consideration I have decided that I am wrong and the Right truly is right.  My approach toward the Bible has been very wrong-headed.  Mea culpa.  I foolishly chose to reject much of what the Bible teaches in favor of being kind, loving, and accepting.  I stopped viewing the Bible as the literal and inerrant word of the Almighty, because of this I lost all direction and all sense of what is truly right and moral. I got lost, but I have now found my way back into the fold. Forgive me, and allow me to make amends by helping to fix our country.

Our country is clearly slipping into the clutches of the Devil.  We are becoming more accepting of homosexuality, we are more tolerant of sex outside of marriage, we have someone who may very well be the anti-Christ functioning in the role of President.  No wonder our country has become so violent, we have lost our moral base, the Bible.  We have sown the wind and now we are reaping the whirlwind.  In the face of all this immorality which we are having pushed upon us by the liberals and the media of our country; some have proposed that we amend our glorious constitution to officially define marriage as between a man and a woman. Getting this amendment ratified would make homosexual marriages of any kind illegal in our great nation.  I think we should definitely support such an amendment my friends, but we must also admit that one amendment will clearly not be enough to fix the immorality in our nation.

So, my brothers and sisters, I am calling today for us to not simply ratify into the Constitution the Bible's views on homosexuality, but the Bible's views on all things.  We need to ratify the entire Bible as an amendment to the Constitution.  Clearly, since all of our forefathers were Christian, this was their intention anyway.  It is time for us to make the Constitution complete by adding all the commands of the Bible to this great document.  Doing so will ensure that our country does not slip further into the immorality which it currently finds itself mired in.  In order to create a ground swell among Christians to call for our future President Mitt Romney to help us make this necessary ratification to the Constitution I will be starting a website called  I ask you to join me there as we begin the fight to save our nation.

We must understand that this will be a long and hard fought battle.  The liberal media will fight us at every turn. There will be much resistance from the lost of our country who desire to remain in their sin and darkness. We will likely not be able to get the entire Bible ratified all at once (unfortunately). But, if we push for ratification of the entire Bible, then we can seem like we are compromising when we get our marriage amendment passed.  After this we will simply push for one more amendment at a time, until eventually we are able to get the entire Bible made a part of the laws of our land.  After we make homosexual marriage illegal, we can just start picking which commands we will push to add to the Constitution.  We can all vote on the website as to which Bible command we will get added to the constitution after the amendment defining marriage is added.

I personally feel it might be good to start with adding an amendment which demands that women dress modestly.  The Bible states that it is necessary for women to dress modestly.  This amendment goes hand-in-hand with defending marriage by making sure that women are less appealing to men. Doing so will reduce the number of men who are tempted to stray from their wives and commit the sin of adultery.  If we play our cards right we can possibly even kill several birds with one amendment.  We could have an amendment which defines decency for women: no dressing immodestly, no jewelry, no make-up, and no hair cuts.  In one amendment we could fulfill four commands! Think of all the marriages we will save by forcing all of these immoral women to adhere to Biblical standards when it comes to their appearance.

After we get the decency for women amendment passed we could go for any number of other amendments.  We could stick with the marriage theme and get an amendment passed which says  people who get married cannot divorce for any reason except for marital infidelity. I realize that this amendment would force women (and sometimes even men) to stay in abusive relationships, but the women probably deserved the abuse anyway, and the abused men are simply being punished for not following God's rules about ruling their household.  Speaking of which that is another amendment we would need to get passed; defining men as the head of the household and assuring that women must obey their husbands.  Having the man as the head of the house and the woman obeying are principles taught explicitly by the Bible which our country has clearly fallen away from.  If  we are going to define marriage my brothers and sisters, we need to go the whole way and define how those marriages are supposed to function.  Just think of all the good we will be doing for families, putting men and women back in their proper places!

Eventually we will run into some stiff resistance Brothers and Sisters, even among so called Christians.  Some of the rules of the Bible have been neglected for so long that even most Christians refuse to follow them.  Just, because these rules will chafe against our consciences brothers and sisters does not mean that these rules are wrong.  The discomfort we will feel at these rules just shows how far we have fallen as a nation from God's standards and from the Christian nation our Christian forefathers clearly intended to establish.  It will be difficult but we must not waiver or we will be lost in immorality just as the heathen left is lost now, and as I was lost (just yesterday).  We will have to pass an amendment demanding all the wealthy to sell there possessions and give them to the poor.  I know that this sounds a lot like socialism and like some kind of insane tax upon the rich, but it is a command of the Bible and we must follow.  Just consider it God's version of trickle-down economics; God's way just trickles down faster.  The rich selling their possessions and giving them to the poor should not be confused with the devil Obama's calls to increase taxes upon the rich.  The difference is the rich would willingly have to do this (because Jesus said so) and the money would be distributed through the churches instead of through the government.  When the government takes some of your money and gives it to the poor its socialism and it is evil.  If God takes all of  your money by way of the church to give to the poor, then it is good, right, and pure.  I hope you can all see the clear differences.

Eventually, we will have to overturn some amendments which already exist though, or at least change some wording.  See, the Bible clearly teaches that there is only one God and He alone must be worshiped.  This command is extra important because it is repeated in both the Old and New Testament.  Unfortunately,  our constitution guarantees freedom of religion.  Now the liberals have taken this amendment and twisted it to suit their own immoral ideologies saying that this amendment guarantees people the right to believe and follow whatever religious practices they desire.  Obviously, this is not what our Christian forefathers intended when they wrote this amendment.  At the time of the writing of this amendment our nation was an entirely Christian nation.  Clearly our forefathers  had no idea that one day we would have Buddhists, Muslims, Jews, Sikhs, and who knows what other religions living among us.  Our forefathers intention was obviously that people be free to be whatever type of "Christian" they wanted to be.  Our forefathers had come from England and other European countries where people were forced to be a certain type of Christian.  This practice was clearly unacceptable to our forefathers.  So, they said there must be freedom of religion, but what they meant was freedom of "Christian" religion.  We will simply need to add the word "Christian" here or there and take out a few phrases and we will have fixed the problem.   We will have to decide, at some point, whether Mormons are actually Christians, but we can wait to do that until Romney is out of office.

We will also have to completely remove the amendment which makes slavery illegal, because slavery is clearly acceptable in the Bible.  God even gives rules on how to treat slaves fairly.  The problem when we had slavery before in the United States was that we did not follow God's rules when it came to slavery.  As long as we treat our slaves well (as the Bible teaches), slavery should be acceptable.  Also, slavery should not be just for people of African descent, but for all foreign people as it was in the Bible.  I know this may make some of you balk brothers and sisters, but remember that we are not capable of deciding for ourselves what is good and moral.  We are fallen, sinful beings incapable of making the right choices.  I know slavery may seem wrong to you, but God says its okay; and if God says it, that settles it.  We must "trust in the Lord and lean not on our own understanding".

Obviously, I will not be able to go over every rule we will need to ratify eventually from the Bible in this post, because the Bible contains thousands of commands.  Let me just mention two other amendments which I think we should think about ratifying immediately.  The first, is a personal favorite of mine which I hope to one day soon see ratified.  I hope that one day we can have the death penalty, by bear, instated for people who make fun of bald people. Any innocent bystanders who happen to be standing around, while the insults are being hurled at the bald man, will be executed by bear as well.  The final amendment which I think we should consider immediately ratifying is that Fig trees should be grown in greenhouses and parks year round and every town should have at least one fruit bearing fig tree growing at all times, because apparently Jesus really, really likes figs and gets kind of cranky if he can't have them.  Since we do not know when Jesus will return, I think we should maybe focus on this fig one right away.

If we begin working together now, brothers and sisters; I am confident we can ratify the Bible to the Constitution and then we will finally have the type of country the faithful deserve!


  1. It makes me sad to read the way you write about Jesus. However, it is your right and I certainly don't have to read it.

    1. I actually love and have a deep amount of respect for Jesus and do my best to model my life after him. I just do not accept the way many people approach Christianity. I do not think I have attacked Jesus. I have attacked fundamentalist Christianity.

    2. It makes me sad that people are unable to recognize that all things "Christian" in our society are not Jesus. I believe that Jesus teachings for the most part are largely ignored in many churches. Jesus is often forgotten except for his death and resurrection.

      Just because I think men and women are capable of having morality apart from the Bible, and just because I believe that the Bible is not a perfect document and that we as humans should be capable of rejecting parts of the Bible which are hateful; does not mean that I am writing about or saying anything at all about Jesus. I really do like Jesus a lot.

    3. Anonymous (if that is really your name), it doesn't sound like you did read it or you don't understand satire. It is a useful tool to point out inconsistency in a believe system. Brent didn't say anything bad about Jesus, he only pointed out how misguided (misled?) some people are when trying interpenetrate the Bible.

  2. This is brilliant! I love it. Death penalty by bear is especially funny. And Mr. Anonymous who thinks you don't like Jesus probably would also think the guy in A Modest Proposal was really suggesting people eat babies.

    1. Thank you Alice. It was my favorite blog to write so far. I had a lot of fun with it. I am glad you enjoyed it. :)